I've had this idea rattling around in my head for a couple of weeks now, but since the extremely exciting news that my teenage dreams are all coming true, and Busted are really, officially, absolutely reforming and touring - with Charlie fully involved!!!! - I thought today was the perfect time to release it out into the world, as I listen to a Busted playlist, obsessively check Twitter for more news, and occasionally sob with joy.
Now, in October, I wrote a blog post about how rising sea levels could see a few places we love submerged in water in the next 100 years, and there was a throwaway joke in there about Busted's Year 3000 being an accurate vision of the future.
This got me to thinking: if sea levels do keep rising the planet will probably be completely underwater by the year 3000. Could we, as humans, realistically survive? Could we create little underwater communities? Is the song just a song? Or is actually warning us about the future?
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| I made this on my lunch break without access to Photoshop I'm really truly sorry for how terrible it is. |
Obviously, any sane, logical person would deduce that Busted are in fact, prophets sent from the future to inform us of the underwater predicament humanity will eventually find itself in.
So I decided that I'd examine the rest of the song lyrics for information about what our great, great, great granddaughters might be doing in 985 years' time.
"Boy bands, and another one, and another one, and another one..."
Sparked by Busted's reunion, society collectively realises that boybands are, in fact, our greatest asset. Technology is produced to ensure members of successful bands never age beyond their early twenties or die, and we use Scientology's best lawyers to introduce airtight contracts so that they can never fall out or split up.
By the Year 3000, we're all subscribed to a boyband-led model of communism. The likeness of various boybands is everywhere: on every billboard, in every advert, and all over everyone's state issued clothing. No one makes or listens to any other type of music, the only TV shows are reality talent searches to form new bands, and we no longer have organised religion, either: instead of praying, we tweet @ Harry Styles.
"Triple-breasted women swim around town, totally naked"
I can easily see this happening: If there's one thing that American Horror Story: Freak Show has taught me, it's that too much estrogen can cause you to develop a third breast. So as there's a lot of estrogen in our water already, once we start living down there, it could feasibly cause some women to develop this way.
Women are no longer permitted to be part of the entertainment industry - due to the aforementioned "boyband only" policy - but to compensate for this inequality, any triple-breasted woman is required to become part of the police force, and will swim around - nude, so that civilians can easily see their higher status - to enforce mandatory boyband listening, ensure everyone's wearing the correct clothing, and break up any unauthorised non-pop/mixed gender bands.
"Everybody bought our seventh album / it had outsold Michael Jackson"
By the time Busted release their seventh album, the Cult of Boyband will be ubiquitous throughout the world, and buying a physical copy of An Album For Everyone to pay respects to the New World Order's origin will be compulsory (enforced by cross referencing everyone's Amazon account to their newly issued ID cards).
In the same week, Michael Jackson will release yet another posthumous album. Although this one is widely considered his best work ever, only a few people will be able to afford a copy of both albums (due to the economic collapse of 2994), and seeing the sheer amount by which Busted have outsold Michael Jackson will convince authorities to ban all non-boyband music, since nobody really wants to buy it anyway.
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To some of you, this might sound like utopia, but given society's collective distaste for communism (and boybands, actually...) I'm betting that more of you want to stop it from happening. And the good news is: we can. Busted have provided us with a warning in the form of song, and they've heralded the dawning of a new era with their reunion, but there's still time.
If we don't live underwater, none of these other prophecies can come true. So logically, the best thing we can do now is work to ensure our world doesn't succumb to its watery fate. Let's spread the word early, begin constructing sea defense walls and working to stop sea levels rising: it's our only hope.
